Tolerable Ever After
by NaturalCyber
Summary: With Shrek and Fiona off on their happily ever after Prince Charming laments his loss over a few pints and shares his misery with the Big Bad Wolf.


Disclaimer: I have nothing whatsoever to do with Shrek or Shrek II. And you will most likely be praising whatever deity you worship for this fact after reading the fic.

Dedication: To Mau Evig Howlcry who made it impossible for me not to write this. And yes, Mau Evig, I still hate you(kinda, sorta). If it wasn't for my manly pride (don't look at me like that! You know I have gender issues.) I wouldn't have had to take up your challenge.

Summary: With Shrek and Fiona off on their happily ever after Prince Charming laments his loss over a few pints and shares his misery with the Big Bad Wolf.

Warnings: Big Bad Wolf/Prince Charming slash. Furry/beastiality(depending on how you look at it) and poor attempts at humor. Yeah, and swearing too. This is your chance to leave before you read something you would rather not.

MD-"Yo, author here. I can't believe I'm writing the first (and quite possibly only) Big Bad Wolf/Prince Charming fic ever to exist. Yes, you read the pairing right. If it's not your thing it would be best for you to leave now. . . Everyone who is going to leave gone? Good. Now for the rest of you who insist on torturing yourselves, I present the fic!"

A Tolerable Ever After

"And, and," hic, "there I was. In my shiniest armor, with my hair perfectly styled and my teeth freshly bleached, all ready to storm the dragon's keep and save my princess. MY one true love!" Hic, hic, "But, the dragon was gone and when I," hic, "got to the top of the tallest tower. . . That was one hell of a climb. I'm really too delicate for such physical exertion, it makes me sweat." Hic, "And when I got to the top of the tower what did I find?" Hic, " I'll tell you what I found! A wolf! A mangy wolf in women's nightclothes of all things!" The speaker, Prince Charming himself, takes a moment to theatrically sob into his arms, knocking over a mug of ale in the process.

A furry ear twitches underneath a pink nightcap as the figure next to Prince Charming growls absently, "I'm sitting right next to you, idiot. I'm the Big Bad Wolf, not some mangy. . ." The Big Bad Wolf ducks an out flung arm with a halfhearted snarl, clutching his own dish of ale closer.

Prince Charming continues, taking no heed of the comment, "A wolf. . . with no princess in sight. I was going to slay the beast but. . ." the alcohol induced flush on flawless cheeks deepens as Charming glances at Wolf, "Such nice fur. No one who puts that much work into nice hair," hic, "could be bad."

At this point Wolf rolls his eyes as much as a wolf can roll his eyes and returns to lapping his ale. His tail swishes, just visible from underneath the pink nightgown, in time with the piano.

"And he didn't even need saving, damn it!" Charming stands drunkenly, "What was I supposed to do? Found out Princess Fiona was married, my one true love was a cross-dressing wolf. . ." Wolf turns a rather shocked look on Charming who continues to rant in even less coherent fashion, "And, home. . . Mommy. . . went to hell. . . Fiona chose that," hic, "that ogre! And I get assaulted by a, a!" Charming sniffs loudly throwing a wounded puppy look at the barkeep, "And told the next morning, 'Sorry but you're not my type.' It's just not fair!"

The barkeep puts down the mug and towel and holds hands out in a placating gesture, "Now, now. Calm down, Prince Charming. Don't make me kick you out. You aren't my type. I like manly men. As for you, put you in a dress and you'd be Princess Charming." The barkeep's voice is low and masculine, belying the dress and makeup. As he turns back to washing mugs he grumbles out of the corner of his mouth, too low for Charming to hear, "And your mother probably did dress you up as a princess as a child, that old bat. Pity."

Charming slumps at the words, sitting haphazardly on the barstool, "I'm not!" Sniff, "I'm not a princess. . . It's not my fault that I'm pretty!" Hic, sniff, "The pretty ones are always supposed to get happy endings! It's in the rules! So why didn't I get a happy ending huh?" Charming stands up again, wobbling dangerously, "It's not fair! Those two ogres get a happy ending! Why can't I!"

The barkeep groans head in hands, "I don't wanna watch. Somebody get him out of here or calmed down."

Wolf stands up taking a careful step towards Charming, "Calm down, man. You said yourself, life's not fair." He makes a wolfish grimace, scratching absently at his ear, "Look at me. I got humiliated by a bunch of pigs, and a little girl and her grandma." He shrugs, "Well the woodsman helped with that one. But anyway, I've always got the bad end of things. Hell, I'm homeless because Little Red and Grandma kicked me out. . . and Fiona's tower isn't exactly hospitable for long term." Wolf chuckles, "So don't complain, Charming. You're still a rich, handsome bastard. You've got it good. At least you didn't get kicked out of your home because your landlord thought your dressing habits were disturbing."

Prince Charming, not paying attention to Wolf's speech, groans and lurches to the side, "I want my happy ending damn it! Give it to me! I deserve, " hic, "my happy ending!" His stumble sends him into Wolf who catches him with a grunt. Charming sniffs into the frilly pink nightgown, hands clutching at fabric and fur, "All I want is a happy ending, is that too much to ask?" Hic, sniff, "Mm. . . smells nice." He looks up at Wolf with glazed eyes, "Not too bad," hic, "for my one true love. . . Can you give me my happy ending?"

Wolf looks slightly disconcerted for a moment but then gives a canine leer, tongue lapping at his fangs, "Worth a try. . . you aren't half bad yourself, for a rich handsome bastard." He turns to the barkeep, steadying Charming with a paw while the blond nuzzles his shoulder, "Hey! The back room free?"

The barkeep blinks at Wolf, "You're really gonna. . .?"

Wolf lets out a barking laugh, "Of course. It's too good a chance to pass up. I _am_ a predator, yanno."

"Knock yourselves out. As long as he isn't disturbing the other customers I'm happy." The barkeep tosses Wolf a key, "Have a happy ending!" He breaks into laughter as Wolf drags the drunken Charming away, tail wagging at a brisk pace.  
. . .

Prince Charming opens one eye and then rolls over clutching at his head, "Ooooh. . . My head! Mommy!"

A low growl sounds next to him, "Off my tail dammit!" Charming winces and rolls closer to Wolf getting a louder growl, "Ow! For magic's sakes, off!"

With a yipe Charming scrambles back, holding his bleeding hand, "What did you have to bite me for!" He subsides with a whimper, "My head. . ."

Wolf stretches revealing long fangs, "I'm a wolf, we bite. And you were lying on my tail." He lazily scratches his ear, "And your headache is your fault. You obviously can't hold your liquor." Charming whines and Wolf sighs, "There's some water on the stand next to the bed. I'm going back to sleep, you should too."

"But, but. . ." Charming looks down at his hand in distress, clearly at a loss for what to do, "My hand. . ."

"Oh for. . ." Wolf snarls, "Come 'ere." Grabbing Charming's hand Wolf licks until the bleeding stops, ignoring the shivers racing through the blond. Finished, he releases Charming and turns in a circle before curling up in a ball, tail over nose. "Now go to sleep."

Meekly Charming gulps down the water and curls up into a similar ball on the far side of the bed, holding his head.  
. . .

With a contented yawn Charming curls closer to the warm fur, not bothering to open his eyes, "Mmm. . . Warm. . ." His hand moves slowly in a petting motion.

Wolf arches into the touch, a tiny, pleased growl rumbling in his chest as fingers play with the base of his ear, "A good morning to you too." He pauses and continues rather amused, "Or rather, good afternoon."

The last bit catches Charming's attention and he jerks awake, "Afternoon! I'll never get my hair fixed in time to do anything! Why didn't you wake—Eaagh!" Charming screeches as he fully takes in his bedmate. "What. . . What the hell are you doing in my bed!" Wolf responds with an expression that could only be the equivalent of a raised eyebrow and a leer. Slightly panicked Charming attempts to sit up but groans in pain and rolls to his stomach, "Why the hell does my ass hurt so much?"

Wolf laughs, "I warned you that you'd be sore if I mounted you the second time. You wouldn't listen."

"M-Mounted?" Now fully panicking Charming stutters, "You. . . We. . ." He sobs and pulls the pillow over his head, "I can never show my face in public again!"

Wolf grumbles, ears pulled back in distaste, "What the hell are you complaining about now? We had a great time last night. Hell, you loved it enough to beg for a second time!" He huffs and moves over Charming's prone form, "Besides this can't be any worse of a scandal than that fiasco of a ball, or as embarrassing as your mother. . ." He licks his way up the shivering back presented to him and noses under the pillow, ears perking at the soft sound of pleasure the actions get, "And. You clearly enjoyed yourself enough to want it again, in spite of being sore and embarrassed."

Wriggling, Charming moans out, "Ohh. . . Do that again. . ."

"My pleasure."  
. . .

Charming lifts himself and hisses in pain before easing down on the bed again, "Owww. . ." Sounding miffed he snarls, "Couldn't you be a little gentler?"

Wolf runs his tongue over his fangs, "That was me being gentle, Charming-dear."

Groaning, Charming manages to roll to his side, "How did I manage to end up in the back room of a bar with the Big Bad Wolf of all people?"

"Not the happy ever after thing again. . ." Wolf groans, "I heard enough of that last night!"

"But. . ." Charming runs a hand through his messy hair, "Don't you want a happy ever after?"

With a laugh Wolf responds, "Of course. But I know I'm never going to get one. And you aren't either. Life's unfair like that." He pauses to scratch, "The best we can hope for is a tolerable ever after." There is a long pause before Wolf says thoughtfully, "And I just thought of a way we two just might get one. With a little work we could get along just fine and the sex is already great. So. . ." He cocks his head and grins, "Be my bitch?"

"How dare you!" Charming, full of righteous indignation, starts off on a rant, "I'm a prince! I'm nobody's. . ." He trails off, hearing Wolf's laughter, and blushes at the knowing ear twitch, "Oh, right. . . wolf thing. . . Sorry." His blush deepens, "So you want to get married?"

"Close enough."

"Well. . ." Charming bites his lip before exclaiming, "Why the hell not?" He bites back a cry of pain and continues, "But, ummm, I don't mind the woman's clothing thing, Hell, I love the pink chiffon dress my mother got me last birthday but. . . The nightgown is just a little embarrassing. . ."

Wolf huffs, "It's comfortable. Do you know how hard it is to get a dress that fits me properly? I'm not exactly rich." He sighs, "Fine. As long as you stop using that flowery shampoo. It makes me want to sneeze."

"But. . . Oh, alright. So when do you want to get married?"  
. . .

"Do you, Princess, errrr, Prince Charming, take this wolf to be your. . . uhhhhh. . ."

"I do."

"And do you, Big Bad Wolf, take this princes—prince, to be your ah. . ."

"I do! Get on with it already!"

"Eek! I-I pronounce you man and. . . err, wolf and. . . Don't hurt me! I pronounce you married! Kiss. . . or whatever."

"Finally." Wolf, much to the relief of the priest, turns his attention to Charming and lifts the pink lace veil. Charming blushes prettily and leans into the kiss. Pulling back, Wolf chuckles, "Your mother was good at something. . . You look lovely in pink."

Charming twirls, showing off the pink frills of the wedding dress, "Really? Thanks. . ." He snuggles into Wolf as they walk down the isle, "And you look absolutely wonderful in that little red number you're wearing." Wolf's tail wags happily in response.

Clapping politely from the crowd Shrek turns to the female ogre next to him, "That pair is one odd couple, don't you think Fiona?"

Fiona smiles, "Yes, well, at least Prince Charming isn't still holding a grudge. . ."

"That's got to be the strangest couple I've ever seen! But the food's great!"

"Donkey!"

And they lived tolerably ever after. The end.  
. . .  
. . .

MD-"And that is that. I hope you all enjoyed your self inflicted torture session! Feel free to use the complimentary sporks and bleach. And don't forget to leave a review on your way out!"


End file.
